Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it

I know how to deal with stressful situations:

I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:

I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:

I've used Microsoft Office.

My pertinent work experience includes:

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I take pride in my work:

I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm balanced and centered:

I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

I have a sense of humor:

I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'm willing to relocate:

As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'm extremely professional:

I carry a Day-Timer.

My background and skills match your requirements:

You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am adaptable:

I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:

I'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed:

The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I have formal training:

I'm a college dropout.

I interact well with co-workers:

I've been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration:

Wait! Don't throw me away!