Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.



Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.

Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.



Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.

Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.



Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom : Bar swaying.
Fault : Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.

Solution : Insert broom handle down back of jacket.



Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.

Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.



Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.

Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.



Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.

Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.



Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.



Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.

Solution : PANIC !!!!!

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