Whoa, time out. Football is on. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? Don't you have some laundry to do or something? You are so cute when...

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you...

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. The only time you're standing still...

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is...

10. Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.) 9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms. 8. Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive. 7. Confidence in reassuring...

1.  You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup. 2.  You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly. 3.  French chefs are eyeing your legs...

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired. "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a...

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. You...

1. Girlfriends are cheaper to maintain than computers. 2. Girlfriends can become older, but never obsolete. 3. Computers cannot iron your shirts or make your food. 4. It's more fun to...

Top 10 Funny comebacks to " Why aren't you Married yet" 10. You haven't asked yet. 9. What? And spoil my great sex life? 8. Just lucky, I guess. 7. I'm waiting until I get to be...

Two hookers were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said, ''TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00.'' A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove...

A small boy was crying his eyes out at a football match. Seeing his plight, a policeman came up to him and asked what the problem was. "I've lost my dad," cried the boy. "What's he like?" asked...

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it. ...

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of...

There are only 10 types of people in the world - Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to overseas as part of a peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his...

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom. The...

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?" "I was in...

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." ...