A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference." The bartender is skeptical and decides to...

An Irish drunk is driving through Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the...

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken into his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out However, before...

A man was sitting in a bar located on the top of the Empire State Building, when rugged man walked in and said, "bartender, give me a Jack Daniels." The bartender slid him a shot and the rugged man...

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy...

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was...

A man was sitting at a bar listening to a pianist playing the most beautiful music he had ever heard, but when he turned to watch the pianist play, he was no where in sight. Puzzled, the man...

10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege. 9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal. 8) You are used to doing everything one-handed. 7) The...

1.  Are you Andy or Barney? 2.  Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 3.  I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I used to come here all the time with my ex. I never said you NEED a nose job. I...

Whoa, time out. Football is on. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? Don't you have some laundry to do or something? You are so cute when...

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you...

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. The only time you're standing still...

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is...

10. Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.) 9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms. 8. Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive. 7. Confidence in reassuring...

1.  You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup. 2.  You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly. 3.  French chefs are eyeing your legs...

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired. "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a...

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. You...

1. Girlfriends are cheaper to maintain than computers. 2. Girlfriends can become older, but never obsolete. 3. Computers cannot iron your shirts or make your food. 4. It's more fun to...

Top 10 Funny comebacks to " Why aren't you Married yet" 10. You haven't asked yet. 9. What? And spoil my great sex life? 8. Just lucky, I guess. 7. I'm waiting until I get to be...