This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks,"What'll ya have?"The seal says,"Anything but a Canadian Club."

A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds, there is an additional member of the family, a 29 months toddler.Furious he demands an explanation: He says, how could you have done...

A woman went into a bar and asked for a double entendre.So the landlord gave her one.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a...

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"The man said, "I do Father."The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and...

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.The beer is poured, and the neutron asks how much it owes. "For you," the bartender answers, "no charge."

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and says to the barman "Pint of your best."While waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables.He goes up to him...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our...

In a greasy spoon, a downhearted diner asked the waitress for meatloaf and some kind words.She brought the meatloaf but didn’t say a thing. “Hey,â� he said,...

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and...

A drunken man walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change. The meter goes up to sixty and he says, "Hey, I lost 100 pounds!"

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have...

The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.He drove around the neighborhood for...

You're so ugly, your mom has to tie a steak around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.

You're so fat that when you went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.She spends...

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)LOCATION: Throughout the worldDESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending...

Two monkeys were discussing evolution:"You mean to tell me that I really am my keeper's brother?"

First golfer: “I have the greatest golf ball in the world. You can’t lose it.â�Second golfer: “How so?â�First golfer:...