Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.Ernest Hemmingway Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me....

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender"if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing...

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender.The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place.He tells the timid man,"If you ever...

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one."I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and...

DOS Beer:Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can....

A guy is at the bar, just staring at his drink, when a big truck driver steps up next to him, takes the guy's drink, and gulps it down. The guy starts crying. The truck driver says,"Come on, man, I...

The following is an actual excerpt from this month's Forbe's Magazine: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest...

A couple of airplane mechanics are kicked out of the local bar and, with no place else to go, end up in the hangar at LAX. One of them says to the other,"Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah,...

The car sped off the highway, went through the guard rail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped...

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says,"I'm sorry but I can't serve you.""Why not?" asks the snake.The bartender says,"Because you can't hold your liquor..."

A man is in a pawnshop and sees this beautiful Grandfather Clock and winds up buying it. He asks the owner if he can deliver the clock and the owner replies that he cannot make deliveries. So only...

A mushroom walks into a bar.He sits next to a beautiful woman and tries to pick her up.He gives her a few cheap lines,and she replies"Get out of here, I don't want nothing to do with you!"Then the...

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy...

A fag walks into a straight bar.The bartender says,"Get out of here, I don't serve fags!"The fag asks,"Is it alright if I just sit in the corner?"The bartender accepts, and the fag sits in the...

A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.This is repeated a dozen times...

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed...

A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm and says,“I’d like a beer please, and one for the road.â�

A chicken walks into a bar.The bartender says, "We don't serve poultry!"The chicken says, "That's OK, I just want a drink."

Yo Mama is so fat, her ass has it's own congressman.

God created the donkey & said to him : " You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50...