A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch."The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can."Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink,"...

A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks,"What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".

A drunk was leaning against a lamppost staring up at a signboard and yelling, "It can't be done, it's too big! Another drunk staggered by and slurred, "What can't be done?" The other drunk...

A guy walks into a bar carrying a duffel bag and sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices the bag and asks the man,"What's in it?"The man opens the bag and takes out an 8-inch...

A guy goes into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had...

You so dumb, you go up to a cow and ask for 2%!

Yo' mama's so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven!

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head."I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on...

Q. What's purple and leaps from tree to tree?A. Squirrel!Q. Then why is it purple?A. It choked on a nut...'

What do you call a bunch of bunnies stepping backwards?A receding hare line.

Q. If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?A. K9P

What's black, lives in a tree and is VERY dangerous?Answer: A crow with a machine gun!!!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began...

What do elephants use for vibrators?Epileptic pigmies.

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter.A few moments later, the front tiger feels...

Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first racehorse says "You know.... when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won...

Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film.One goat says to the other,"Pretty good, huh?" The second goat says,"Yeah... but it's not as good as the book."

Why can’t you have two elephants in your swimming pool at the same time?Because they’d only have one pair of trunks.

There are two bats in a cave and one says to the other "I could do with some blood right now" the other said, "Me too but its almost sunrise".The first one said, "Wait here" he flies off and comes...

What do you call a turtle with an erection?A slow poke!