... you refer to going to the bathroom as "using the litterbox." ... you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair. ... you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber. ... you...

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if...

clean Veterinarians have evening hours. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you...

 Dogs tags ring, are you listening'? In the lane, snow is glistening'. It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland. Smell that tree? That's my...

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee. And I can justify any, shopping spree. Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon. I can get a massage without a hard-on. I can balance the checkbook, I can...

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you...

Martha's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are...

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college...

- You're less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls. - It doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer. - It's a great way to meet cute female cardiologists. - Extra...

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say 10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll...

A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said. "A particularly hungry American can buy five...

. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo...

Smart-Ass Answer #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. Molly McGee Always get married early in the...

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. J. Paul Getty A man explained inflation to his wife thus: 'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42....

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire" 9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell 8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair" 7. "How To Win...

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. Tom Clancy I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it. William Faulkner I handed in...

One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino. Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on...

You help your four-year-old learn math by teaching her to count cards   When your addiction counselor says he thinks "the odds are good" that you will beat your gambling problem, you see it...

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took...